Introducing the Oozlum Award

It might not be the award to end all awards, but it might the award to end all winners…

“…when startled, the bird will take off and fly around in ever-decreasing circles until it manages to fly up its own backside, disappearing completely, which adds to its rarity.”

I honestly have no idea what made me look up Carry On Up The Jungle on Wikipedia last night.

But apart from the revelation that Bernard Bresslaw went all ‘method’ and learned some of his lines in yer actual Swahili, it turns out that the MacGuffin of the film, the Oozlum bird, wasn’t an original creation but has its origins as far back as 1858, according to the OED. A mythical bird, displaying ridiculous behaviour.

And so, in the spirit of the bird and its unfortunate reaction when startled into action, I introduce to you the Oozlum Award.

This will be an occasional award, presented to those organisations or individuals taking what they think is a perfectly sensible and reasonable avoiding action, but which could actually result in them disappearing up their own chuff and kissing their tail goodbye.

Sadly, my graphics skills aren’t up to designing an actual award. You’ll just have to imagine them on the stage, thanking the jury, their family, etc. and holding a trophy of a doubled-up bird with its beak inserted appropriately.

 “… and the winner is…”

The inaugural winner can only be… the Labour Party, for its Brexit policy.

It’s a simple enough question: do you want to get elected? If so, you don’t only need randomly-costed policies and inspirational soundbites, you need to give people a firm something to vote for. No-one ever voted the Don’t Knows in to power.

But in order to help Composite Motion 13 fall and the NEC motion (and probably Composite Motion 14, I lost track) pass at Conference yesterday, the supporters of the Serene Leader panicked and turned what should have been a relatively simple ‘remain or leave’ Brexit policy vote into a vote of confidence on Wavy Mavis’s leadership. The constituency parties voted one way, the acolytes the other and at the end no-one was any the wiser.

Thus by muddling the resolutions, not accurately counting votes and then announcing the correct result instead of the previously agreed one, the Labour Party is in danger of going the way of the Oozlum bird at the next election by startling itself into an ever-decreasing circle of non-decisions that help no-one.

“… and the winners are…”

But as I was writing this, the Supreme Court decision came through, so we can add a close second inaugural winner: Boris Johnson.

In trying to get a deal-or-no-deal Brexit through by the end of October, Shagger Johnson panicked and chose to prorogue Parliament, a decision now ruled unlawful. No-one’s saying that this is the end of the premiership and political career of the self-styled King of the World, but I’m sure we’re all thinking it loudly.

Assuming he wants to stay on as PM, Johnson’s only course of action now is to double-down and come up with a plan so outlandish and outrageous we’ll all forget about the one that led to the Supreme Court decision. He could be the first Oozlum Award double-winner…

This could run and run. Any other suggestions?